K, well I have been reading emails like this for awhile, but just recently decided to start sharing them with you, laugh if you dare. If you don't well:) Time has gone with yesterday. You start to realize that the days that you thought would never end, did quite quickly.
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse - sized tazer.
The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD ... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION ... WHAT THE ....!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room..
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P.S... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!! Time has gone with yesterday. You start to realize that the days that you thought would never end, did quite quickly.
Whether this is true, its still kinda funny, though a little racy (let you decide gomi)
The Fire Chief Explains
In South Los Angeles , a 4-plex was destroyed by a fire.
A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire. An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya , lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire. 6 LA, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons, lived on the 3rd floor and they, too, died. A lone, white couple lived on the top floor... The couple survived the fire.
Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA and met with the fire chief, on camera. They loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived?
The fire chief said, "They were at work." Time has gone with yesterday. You start to realize that the days that you thought would never end, did quite quickly.
Try not to laugh, dare ya! Thinkin of you OLDVET:)
A TRIP TO Sam's Club. Yesterday I was at my local Sam's Club buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Sam's won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
Time has gone with yesterday. You start to realize that the days that you thought would never end, did quite quickly.
If you've been in the military, especially the Marines, you'll end up getting more out of this than others.
Military 12 step Program
1. I am in the military , I have a problem. This is the first step to recovery...
2. Speech:
Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred, it is not 0530or 1400 it is 5:30 in the morning (AKA God-awful early). Words like deck, rack, and "PT" will get you weird looks; floor, bed, workout, get used to it. "F *ck" cannot be used to -replace whatever word you can't think of right now, try "um". Grunting is not talking. It's a phone, not a radio, conversations on a phone do not end in "out" People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you are coming from Camp Lejeune with the MWSS platoon or that you spent a deployment in the OCAC
3. Style:
Do not put creases in your jeans. Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts. A horseshoe cut looks dumb, not motivating. A high and tight looks really dumb as well. So does a low reg, but not as bad. A hat indoors does not make you a bad person, it makes you like the rest of the world. you do not have to wear a belt ALL the time.
4. Women:
Air Force girls are easy, very easy, not all women are this easy and will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Force girls. Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first. Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense", it makes you a retard.
5. Personal accomplishments:
In the real world, being able to do pushups will not make you good at your job. Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die. How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment. The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway is also not a personal accomplishment.
6. Drinking:
In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you an intervention, not a "good for you" That time you drank a 5th of Jaeger and pissed in your closet is not a conversation starter. That time you went to the combat life saver school and practiced giving vodka iv's will also not be a good conversation starter
6. Bodily functions:
Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be viewed as "unprofessional". The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny no matter how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it smelled. You can't make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is VD will also not be funny
7. The human body:
Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem, it's true.
8. Spending habits:
One day, you will have to pay bills Buying a $30,000 car on a $16,000 a year salary is a really bad idea. Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a fool. One day you will need health insurance
9. Interacting with civilians (AKA YOU):
Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat will not be normal.
10. Real jobs:
They really can fire you. On the flip side you really can quit. Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember they really can quit too. Taking naps at work will not be acceptable. Remember 9-5 not 0530 to 1800
11. The Law:
Non-judicial punishment does not exist and will not save you from prison. Your workplace unlike your command can't save you and probably won't,in fact most likely you will fired about 5 minutes after they find out you've been arrested Even McDonalds does background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help you get the job Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested, not yelled at Monday morning before they ask you if you won.
12. General knowledge:
You can in fact really say what you think about the President in public. Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain. They won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important then you are, be polite. Read the contracts before you sign them, remember what happened the first time. Time has gone with yesterday. You start to realize that the days that you thought would never end, did quite quickly.
